


Mission from Hell

by Chris_White, Redbird (TheCondorG2)



Category: Gatchaman, Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman & Related Fandoms, Kagaku Ninja Tai Gatchaman | Science Ninja Team Gatchaman
Genre: A fun mission for us, Crack, Gen, Jinpei is not happy, Joe is not happy, Ken is not happy, Not a fun mission for them, Ryu is not happy, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-01 22:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13304490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chris_White/pseuds/Chris_White, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCondorG2/pseuds/Redbird
Summary: Dr. Nambu sends the team on a new mission. It's not a fun one. Frankly, it's ridiculous!





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> There's a bit of raunchy humor in here. Don't expect this to make sense. We made it very cracky. :) This never really got it's final polish but it's still fun!
> 
> Our apologies to our favorite characters. We do love them.

The team shuffled sullenly into Hakase's office. They'd been promised the night off and all had made plans, but once again their night was ruined. Being superheros really sucked.

"Now that you're all _finally_ here," said their mentor dryly with a pointed stare at Joe before continuing, "we have a chance to gather an unprecedented amount of intel."

Joe stared back with no remorse. Sure, he was last, but he'd been invited to check out the latest and greatest in racing engine builds. Gave him jerk-off material for weeks that no glare from Hakase could freeze out.

"What's the mission, Hakase?" Ken tried to sound like his usual eager self but it was difficult. He'd been in the middle of writing the report to end all reports when they'd been called in, and he was sure that he would lose his mental notes if he didn't jot them down before they arrived at their objective. So many times he'd come so close to writing the _perfect_ report. Would the chance be snatched away again?

"We've discovered some Galactor connections with various food delivery services in Amerisia," said Nambu. "Apparently the owners of these establishments are Galactor sympathizers, and their employees are trusted to ignore everything they see and hear while on Galactor premises. Some of these units we suspect are preparing a massive, multi-location strike within Amerisia sometime within the next week, and at least one of them may have information tying them back to Galactor headquarters."

All five team members stood in excitement. This was their mission! To find Galactor HQ! If they did that, they could stomp out the enemy and enjoy the rest of their lives without getting interrupted every few days. Or in Jun's case, every few minutes, since somehow she had become Hakase's personal tech support.

Jun's eyes shimmered at the thoughts of what she could accomplish without the constant interruptions. She might be able to cook a meal without ruining things while walking Hakase through how to reset his Netflix password. Who knows, she might even be able to assemble a complete non-uniform-related outfit with stylish makeup and meet some guys who knew how to use a comb!

Nambu pulled out a stack of folders. He handed them to Ken, who noted the names on each and handed them out to the others.

"These are your cover identities, resumes, and assigned delivery services. I don't want to hear any complaints or excuses. Do whatever you have to do in order to infiltrate, make deliveries, and soak up as much intel as possible. Report in while driving to and from your delivery destinations."

Ryu had a bad feeling about this. Contrary to popular belief, he didn't mind being stuck on the God Phoenix at times. Especially when Hakase's briefings made a mission sound particularly unpleasant. Oh well, at least he was working with food. No being stuck with stale chips from a bag that partially exploded in storage when they lost cabin pressure.

"Even me?" Jinpei piped up.

Nambu gave him a curt nod. "Yes. Even you."

Jinpei cackled and danced a little jig. He loved any excuse to openly drive his buggy. Even when cops pulled him over, he loved flashing his "special license" and watching them grind their teeth after calling it in and finding out that his paperwork was legit.

It was gonna be a great day.

#

The chance to dig up choice Galactor intel rang like a siren song in Ken's blood. He'd headed immediately to the team lounge, folder in hand. For the next ten minutes, he read over each detail carefully, memorizing it as only the leader of the mighty Science Ninja Team could do. Even the Condor's stare full of silent sarcasm didn't deter him.

He _was_ a bit confused, though. "Dinner AND Dessert?" What kind of delivery place was that? Even weirder was that while uniforms would be provided, the employer had special instructions for personal grooming. Of course he would shower! Why he'd need to trim his pubes, though, he couldn't imagine. Were guys scratching their crotches with such dedication that pubes ended up in the food?

Underarm hair, too. So strange. Good thing he was Japanese. Excessive body hair wasn't one of his problems, unlike Joe, whose underarm hair Ken was pretty sure could be put into french braids. Joe had tried to tell him more than once that it was a sign of their relative masculinity. Ken suspected it might have more to do with where they were along the evolutionary chain from the apes.

Shaking his head, Ken gave the briefing sheet one more look. He'd have to use his motorcycle for this one. As tempting as it might be to drop food from his plane, the whole point was to get in the door and see what intel he could overhear. How he was going to afford the gas to even reach his "job" he had no idea. Maintaining a small airport was expensive! Too bad this mission was so urgent that he had no time to donate plasma along the way.

Oh well, sacrifices had to be made in order to save the world. He just wished for once _he_ wasn't the one making them.

#

Joe leaned back in his chair, rocking precariously on its back legs and flipped open his folder.

He chewed on a shuriken as his eyes quickly scanned the page, seeking out the important information---how much they'd be getting paid for this gig. The ISO didn't pay them squat, and his wallet was growing quite thin these days. If things got any worse, he'd have to start drinking off-off label beer.

Ice cream confectionaries ....delivery service.....door-to-door.... farm-fresh.....

_Blah, blah, blah. Yadda-yadda._

Happy customers......... required company uniform.....professional demeanor...

Yawn.

Joe casually tossed the papers back in the table, unimpressed. Delivery service? What were the odds he'd actually get a chance to blow something up on this mission? Unfortunately, he already knew the answer.

_Zero. Zippo. Zilch._

Nothing in the packet said anything about payment. Typical. However he noticed it DID say he needed to use his own ride. Well! He'd better be getting a damned gas allowance, if they expected him to use his car for this farce. The ISO was so tightfisted, they squeaked when they walked. No doubt they'd make him jump through hoops like a trained dog just to try and claim it after the mission.

_Good luck there, Asakura!_

He scanned the room, everyone else was eagerly reading their assignment. Jun's eyes were particularly aglow. Almost immediately she looked up and caught him staring at her, and frowned harshly. Joe smirked at her and she rolled her eyes, going back to reading her dossier.

Jinpei was grinning like mad and cackling to himself. Joe wondered what had him so happy when the kid started getting giggly and shit it usually spelled trouble for the rest of them. Seeing their assignment had to do with food service, Jun would be pissed if he managed to bring home cockroaches or some other indelible insect. But Joe had to admit, it would be worth the fireworks show to see her fly off the handle.

Meanwhile, while Ryu's face wore a worried expression as if he'd expected the papers to lash out and bite him. There didn't seem to be much that ruffled the big guy's feather's, but it looks like they might have an unhappy camper on their hands.

Finally, his eyes lit on Ken. He was studying his assignment with blue-eyed laser-like Gatchaman intensity. Ken lived for moments like this. If there was anything he could do to impress Nambu Hakase, he was going to do it. He seriously needed to lighten up. Joe idly wondered when he'd last gotten a piece of tail, if at all.

Well, anything had to be better than waiting around this dump for something to happen. More so the better if they actually managed to nab Katse and his minions. Then he could get back to the important things in life: his car, drinking, and getting laid.

So off to Amerisia it was!

 

#

Jun wasn't quite as much in a rush as the boys were. She went to the team lounge, made herself a coffee, and then settled into a chair to read the contents of her folder. The name of the establishment she was assigned to immediately caught her attention: Geisha Sushi. Well, that was interesting.

Images of white pancake makeup and a lovely, flowing kimono swirled tantalizingly in her mind. How rarely did she get to look feminine and pretty for a mission! It looked like the employer even provided uniforms, so she didn't need to raid the Snack J's budget to buy a last-minute outfit. As much as she enjoyed shopping, having to rush made it a lot less fun, not to mention how much it would suck later struggling to pay the Snack J's bills and stay afloat.

The only issue she could see was the vehicle. Riding her motorcycle in a kimono would be impossible without some weird sidesaddle maneuver. Still, she'd figure something out. She always did!

As she continued reading, a harsh vibe scraped over her skin. When she looked up, it was no surprise to see that Joe was glaring at her, gears turning to try to figure out why she looked so damn happy. Not wanting a bunch of questions about what sounded like a great assignment, Jun fired back a mirrored grumpy frown. His smirky response had an unspoken question to it but she refused to play along, rolling her eyes and going back to her reading.

This was shaping up to be an interesting day. Like her teammates, Galactor goons and commanders seemed to think owning a set of danglies made them special. If she played up the pretty and dim, it should be easy for her to get the best intel, and great tips to boot.

She couldn't help but grin as her plan started to form. Oh yes, she was gonna make the most of this.

#

Ryu couldn't say he was particularly excited. On the one hand, he got to join the others on a mission instead of lazing about on the ship. That was good. On the other hand, the task ahead wasn't exactly glamorous or exciting work. Undercover stuff like this tended to be deadly dull with only a tiny occasional payoff. It wasn't like Galactor bosses would have their most important discussions in the open just when the delivery people showed up.

Still, he'd had worse assignments. "Bo's Burgers and Dogs" meant he'd have access to food between deliveries, rather than sitting there starving. There was nothing worse than a growling stomach to make a mission particularly miserable.

The only issue was the vehicle. Unlike the others, he didn't have a personal vehicle that transformed into his combat vehicle. The God Phoenix was the God Phoenix always and forever, and she was his baby, but he couldn't exactly use her to tool around downtown. It sucked to have to rely on Jinpei for rides so he'd been saving up to buy whatever beater he could afford, but he didn't have enough yet.

As he shifted the papers in the folder, an envelope fell out. Ryu caught it by reflex before it hit the floor. There was a bit of heft to it, which meant it contained more than just a piece of paper or two.

Curious, Ryu peeked inside, his eyes going wide. Money. Actual cash.

He glanced at the others. Ken was still studying his folder with the intensity of a dog with a treat on its nose that it wasn't allowed to eat yet. Joe had that jaded expression he always had when he expected an assignment to suck and seemed to think he was personally chosen for the worst of it. As Joe started to look up, Ryu put on his most miserable expression. No way was he getting out of there with cash in hand if _any_ of the others found out he had it.

After Joe's sullen glare raked past him, Ryu peeked into the envelope again. Sure enough, there was a small note in Hakase's clean, crisp handwriting: "You'll need a vehicle. Keep this between us."

A grin threatened to take over Ryu's face. Instead, he focused on a sour expression, determined to get out of there with every single dollar. For once, the ancestors were on his side! This mission was gonna rock!

 


	2. Chapter Two

 

Ken couldn't arrive at his new job while running on fumes. If he had to stop to fuel up while delivering food, he'd get fired so fast he'd never catch any intel! So, he spent his last few dollars to get at least something into his motorcycle's tank, pulled up to a surprisingly nice little building, and parked. He'd already sent in his application -- how weird that it required a "headshot" and a full-body picture -- and heard back quickly that they wanted to meet him, so hopefully the hard part was handled.

As he approached the door, he noted the security cameras. For a food delivery place? Did they have a problem with robberies? He somehow doubted that given the nondescript but well-maintained premises. There was also no big sign or awning advertising what they did. More and more, he was starting to hope that this food joint was in fact a Galactor safe-house or something. That would make his mission much easier and help him gather tons of information.

He reached the front door and found it locked. There was a button he guessed was for a buzzer, so he pressed it. For a moment he thought he heard the camera whirr, and then the door clicked, so he figured they must have recognized him from his picture. Maybe that was why they needed it.

Ken opened the door and stepped on in. The smell of cooking wasn't as strong as he'd expected, but whatever they were making, it had a wonderful aroma. Way nicer than the Ramen noodles he typically ate when he wasn't at the Snack J.

His stomach growled. Maybe they'd feed him.

Since there was no greeter, he figured they must be busy in the kitchen. He made it precisely 5.5 steps down the hall before he passed an open doorway, where a female voice called out, "In here, sweetie."

Sweetie? Ken blinked and changed course, peeking in to see a woman in a rather tight-fitting suit looking him over. She tapped long, hot pink nails against her desk, a smirk slowly tilting her mouth.

"Hi, honey, I'm Tiffany. Don't you own a comb?"

Ken reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. Like a comb ever helped for longer than five minutes. "Sorry, motorcycle."

She pursed her lips. "Yeah, that can make up for it. Those clothes won't work, though. Follow me."

Well, the file _had_ said they'd provide a uniform. Ken followed her, hoping it wouldn't turn out to be a green goon one. Last time he'd had to wear one of those he'd gotten lice and it had taken _weeks_ and shaving his head to get rid of them. The others had laughed at him the whole time, but they forgot he got to read their files, so he knew fully well that he wasn't the only one with that particular problem. Worse, once Jinpei had someone come back from a mission with bedbugs, forcing the whole Snack J to be fumigated!

Ken kept his eyes peeled for any sort of insect infestation as she led through the halls. He couldn't take another one.

When they passed through a couple of doors, instead of finding himself faced with creepy crawlies, Ken blinked at a room full of clothing racks. Tiffany didn't even stop to consider them. She marched directly to one off to the side and slid the contents around, hangars clacking together as she muttered to herself.

"They asked for the boy next door. You're perfect for that. Here, change into this."

She handed him a pair of jeans, a high school letterman's jacket, and a polo shirt. Ken blinked again, trying to understand how these clothes were substantially different from what he was wearing. Not to mention that it seemed weird not to have a jacket showing the company's name. He guessed the school name being "D&D High" was their little way of doing that.

"Just trust me, sweetie." She patted his head and pointed to a kind of curtained closet, another smirk forming on her brightly-painted lips. "If you're _shy_ , you can change in there."

Ken told himself his cheeks weren't heating. He wasn't shy. He just didn't feel like changing clothes in front of this weird woman, no matter how many times Joe told him that it was a great way to get laid.

Why would he need to get laid, anyway?

He stepped into the closet, changed clothes, and came out carrying his civvies. No way was he leaving them behind, this might be a ploy to study their uniforms.

"Put those down a moment, let me get a look at you." Tiffany gestured toward a stool.

When Ken complied, she stepped forward and started messing with the clothes and his hair. He slowed his breathing and counted backwards from ten to keep himself from repeating that chick punching incident from last year. He'd never live that one down as it was.

"Wonderful." She stepped back with a grin. "You'll mess it up again riding there, of course, but that's fine. If you need a carry rack for your motorcycle, they're in the back. Go ahead and install it and your food and address will be ready shortly."

Ken nearly grimaced. He'd completely forgotten how he was going to carry the food he was delivering. There was a compartment where he could stow his uniform for safe-keeping, but no rack for larger items.

She'd pointed to the back of the room so he started looking there. After a bit, he finally found a stack of them in a closet, along with a neatly-packed set of tools to put them on. This place was organized, he had to give them that. Weird, but organized.

By the time he had the rack in place, Tiffany was striding out with the food packed into a neat little bundle. Somehow, even with her ridiculously long nails, she managed to fasten it all to his motorcycle's carry rack like a pro, before handing him a headset and a tablet.

"This will direct you."

Ken put the headset on and pressed Start Nav on the device. A pleasant female voice gave him the first step of his directions.

"Don't lose or damage that, or it comes out of your pay," she said, wagging a finger.

Visions of coming out of this mission _owing_ money danced in Ken's head. He winced and tucked the tablet into his bike's small storage bin.

"Now, remember the number one rule of this gig," she added with a grin and a wink. "Have fun!"

Tiffany walked off with a giggle, hips swaying.

Ken groaned and started up his bike. This was going to be a long, weird night.

#

Joe walked out of the ISO building, and found his way through the winding maze of hangars around the far side of the complex where he was to pick up his car. According to Nambu Hakase, it apparently needed to have work done on it in order to make it "mission worthy". Whatever the hell that meant.

Unfortunately, he didn't think that included installing any new bells and whistles to beef up the G2's street performance.

He glanced at the paperwork in his hand, briefly lifting up his aviators in order to see the tiny writing better.

_Hangar 18...._

Craning his neck back toward the structure he just passed, he searched for a number near the doors. Number 13.

_Nope, keep going._

Slowly the numbers began to go up, but the lots got bigger as well. Broken glass bottles and weeds began to choke out the manicured grass of the complex. Wow, the ISO was really slacking off with the grounds keeping. Who'd have thunk it?

Where the fuck was this goddamned Hangar? In the next county?

He passed Hangar 16, spray painted in large blue numbers on a building on his right.

_Can't be long now......_

There it was. The last building on the right, an old grey behemoth that had seen better days, that backed up against a tall fence of overgrown vines and a sitting on a cracked cement slab. A big red number 13 painted to the left of the open hangar doors.

There was a gaggle of techs in long white coats and khaki's, as well as a couple of mechanics in red caps and blue and grey coveralls hanging out near the entrance. Complete with clipboards, pocket protectors and bottles of organic crystal filtered purified water in hand. Joe could smell the geekery coming off them in waves.

One tall pencil necked geek poked another with his elbow, nodding towards Joe. The entire group looked up eerily all at once, as if on cue. Seeing him heading their way, they miraculously parted like the Red Sea.

Ah, there was the G2 and.......

Wait....wait....

_What...... what was.....THAT?_

Joe stopped in his tracks, eyes wide, mouth gaping open and closed, like a fish out of water.

"Oh, no way in hell! " Joe shouted, pointing a long finger at the G2, as he drew closer. "No **_WAY_** am I driving around with.... ** _THAT_** on top of my car!"

The installers just looked at him blankly, eyes shifting from him to his car and back again.

"It's required." the short tech with the egg-shaped head informed him, in a squeaky voice that reminded him of a mouse.

"Required my ASS!" he fumed, face turning an unhealthy shade of red. "There's nothing here that says anything about having a giant, lighted ice-cream cone on the roof of my CAR!" He shook the field file at them, papers dropping haphazardly to the ground.

Another techs, (the tall pencil necked one with glasses), opened his mission folder with a sniff. Plucking the pencil from behind his ear, he carefully scrolled down one of the pages, murmuring to himself. His bald coworker looked on over his shoulder, brow arched with interest.

"Ah!" he cried, thin lips cracking into a smirk."Here it is. See?"

He held out the page to Joe, provision underlined.

"Page two, paragraph five, section nine and I quote: 'Multicolored, lighted (pink and white) plastic/polymer ice cream cone fixture, shall be mounted atop the roof of the vehicle as to specifications, aforementioned on page two, paragraph three, section five'." The geek pushed his glasses up his nose. "The cone stays."

"Dammit!" Joe shouted. He walked over to his car, standing by the door and rested a hand on the roof. "Baby...what did they do to you?" He slumped over, banging his head against the window.

 

#

Joe threw the G2 into park, and he peered at the store from over his sunglasses, trepidation eating away at him. He glanced down at the paper in his hand, then up at the target.

_Guess this must be the place._

A white painted brick building lined with large glass windows across the front. Small flowering shrubs sat in bright yellow pots framing the entrance. Two yellow painted wrought iron tables and matching chairs were stationed in front of the store beneath a baby pink and blue striped awning.

He sighed explosively and shoved open the car door, shutting it firmly behind him. A slight whimper worked its way out from his throat when he caught sight of the monstrosity that was strapped to the roof of his car.

_Man up Asakura! The sooner you get this done with, the sooner you can blow that thing up. Or set it on fire. In front of the ISO building._

Locking the car, he warily pushed open the door to the parlor. The jangling bells reminding him of the chimes Jun tied to the door of the Snack. Setting his aviators atop his head, he squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light inside.

There was no one inside. No one except..........

"Oh, so you must be the new delivery driver!" the woman behind the counter chirped, cloud of bright blonde curls brushing her shoulders.

"Umm, yeah, that's me." he said hesitantly looking about the parlor. Whoever designed this place seriously had a thing for pastels. Pastel pink walls, powder blue and white floor tiles, shiny yellow leatherette booths and pastel green vinyl stools at the soda counter. It made Joe feel like he was trapped in a giant cotton candy machine.

"Well, we're so glad to have you here!" she came out from behind the counter to greet him, tugging her short striped skirt down to cover her knees. "Oh and I see your car has already been fitted with our patented double ice cream scoop!"

She rocked back on her heels, smiling at him in a way that was making him most uncomfortable. And her eyes were filled with an almost vacant expression, that _definitely_ made him uncomfortable.

 _Bunny._ Her name tag said her name was Bunny. Well, he supposed if his name was Bunny, his brain would probably be pretty vacant too.

"Um yeah, Bunny.....about that. Does that really need to be up there?

"Oh absolutely! It's our trademark." she studied him for a moment, then frowned, glossy pink lips pursed. "Do you have your uniform with you?"

 _Uniform?_ His brain worked madly. The dossier didn't say anything about a uniform. What was wrong with what he had on? All he was doing was making deliveries. Did he need to wear a suit or something?

"No, I wasn't given one."

"What happened to your last one?"

"Sorry?"

"You've done this before right? They told us you were coming over from store #45, and that you made deliveries for them."

"Oh..uh right. It was....dirty. In real bad shape. Stains, torn, the works." He nodded vigorously.

Yeah that was it! Maybe he'd luck out and they'd just let him wear his jeans and t-shirts.

"Hmm, ok. We can get you another one, but it's going to cost you extra out of your wages."

_Great. I'm going broke right off the starting line._

She sized him up, looking at him from head to toe and rubbing her chin. "I'm not sure we have a uniform big enough for you. You're a bit taller and larger than our last driver. Let me check the extra stock on hand..."

The girl flashed him a whiter than white smile and walked off though a door set behind the counter, her white shoes squeaking on the highly waxed tile.

 _Jesus!_ Joe thought, leaning against the counter. _What a creepy chick!_

He glanced down at the display cases in front of him. It was filled with all kinds of ice cream, sorbet, gelato and frozen ices imaginable. There was a separate case filled with ice cream cakes and yet another full of confectionaries like sugar cookies and cupcakes.

Behind the counter there were framed photos of parties the company had made special cakes for. Pictures of blue haired grandmothers wearing fuchsia lipstick and muumuus, bratty kids in party hats sticking their tongues out at the camera, of a retirement party where everyone was happy and plastered except for the retiree, who wore a sour expression.

"Oh you're in luck! Look what I found!"

Joe turned around to see Bunny holding out a garment to him.

His mouth went dry. He was pretty sure it was hanging open too.

"What is this?"

"It's your uniform, silly!" the stepford wife gushed at him, shoving the aforementioned clothes at him.

His mouth worked for a moment, before he was able to utter the words of horror.

"It's PINK!"

"Yes of course, it's our trademark color." she cheerily chirped, tilting her head at him.

"Lady I can't wear PINK!"

She frowned. "Well, what did you wear at our other store then? You DID work there right? All our delivery personnel uniforms are pink. So you must've worn one then."

Her brown eyes grew wide, then shrank down to tiny slits. A dark menacing look came over her face. "Or did they have you wear something else?"

_Huh?_

"Something not...."

_Oh shit, did he blow his cover already...._

"Regulation?" she spat the word out like the mere idea of it left a bad taste in her mouth. "Did they.... " her voice dropped down low, as if telling him a dirty secret,"....break the rules?"

"Oh, no. No. I wore pink." he quickly reassured her. "Yeah, that's the uniform.." Joe reached out grabbed it out of her hand, offering her a shaky smile.

Shit, she was a real stickler for the rules. What was she....related to Nambu Hakase or something?

The stiff fabric slid through his fingers, catching on the calluses. It was hot itchy polyester. He would never complain about his Birdstyle ever again....

#

Ryu managed to make it onto the mainland and to his place unmolested. He hadn't dared to open the envelope anywhere someone might see him, or where he might accidentally drop it and lose the cash Hakase had given him. Now that he was alone and in a safe spot, though, it was time!

First, he went to his hiding spot and counted what he'd already saved. Months of patience and sneakiness had netted him a couple hundred dollars. Normally he bought the latest video games and he and Jinpei played them, but he'd started holding off, saying he was saving up for a car. Suddenly Jinpei had managed to pay for some with his allowance money from Jun and doing some extra chores. If only he'd caught onto this possibility earlier! He'd already have a sweet ride.

Now to see what Hakase had added to the "Get Ryu His Own Wheels" Fund. Ryu rubbed his hands together with glee and opened the envelope, carefully extracting the cash. Hakase was notoriously tightfisted, so he was amazed at how much was in there, until he started sorting them by denomination.

"Son of a bitch!" Ryu winced and looked around, expecting Hakase or Jun to pop him upside the back of the head for his language. Once he ensured that he was still safe, he glared at the pair of piles in front of him.

Ones and fives. That's what Hakase had given him. A total of fifty dollars in ones and fives.

He crossed his arms and grumbled, glancing against to make sure he was alone. "Son of a bitch. Of course it was too good to be true. My luck is never that good."

And yet he _had_ to have a vehicle this mission. Sighing, Ryu pulled the cash together. _Goodbye savings. Hello junker._

Why did his life have to suck?

#

Ryu seethed as he pulled up to Bo's Burgers and Dogs, his "new" van making weird chugging noises that would probably take it out of commission by the end of the night. He should have known it was too good to be true. He really should have. Now he'd have to start saving all over again.

If he could put his cheery "nothing ever bothers me" mission face on, he supposed he might make some tips, at least. There was that.

He made it three steps into the place before a wild-eyed man in an even wilder plaid shirt ran up to him, gripping his shoulders. "Are you the new guy???? Please tell me you're the new guy!"

Ryu plastered on a grin. He'd learned long ago to take a gift like this when he saw it. "Yup. I'm the new guy."

"You're late! Come on!"

The man dragged him into a back room. "Uniform, uniform, let's see ... this should be your size."

Pants in the same garish plaid were thrust in Ryu's direction. At least the shirt was a solid dark green. As he looked the clothes other, he found himself a little dubious that these were his size at all. It was gonna be a tight fit.

"Hurry up! Get changed! I'll meet you out front with the sign for your vehicle."

Ryu started squeezing into the uniform. And he'd thought birdstyle was tight. He was amazed that neither the shirt nor pants burst once he finally got them into place. Sure that the guy would send him back in to change, Ryu carried his civvies out toward the van, only to discover that the man was waiting with a giant plastic hot dog in a bun on a wagon.

"Don't just stand there, help me put this on!"

Reaching a new low point in life was never fun. Ryu was pretty sure this was a record low. As he wrestled the giant phallic symbol on top of his van and helped the crazy guy get it secured, all while hoping his new uniform didn't explode from his efforts, Ryu prayed that Hakase wasn't recording their progress through the traffic cameras and other surveillance opportunities around. Otherwise, his next lowest point would be when Jinpei made an online musical meme with some of the footage.

Relief and amazement flooded him as they finished without feeling his clothing tear. At least when they gave him better-fitting clothes, he wouldn't have to pay for the damaged stuff.

"All right, let's get your hat and your first few deliveries."

Hat? Ryu had a bad feeling as he followed the man inside. If he had to wear a giant hot dog on his head, that was it, he was quitting. He was the Owl, damnit. He had his dignity.

#

Jinpei pulled his dune buggy over to the curb and set the emergency brake. He stared at the paper in his hand, then glanced at the non-descript buildings around him. There was a women's clothing store, a pharmacy, and an empty grassy lot with a rusted out car right in the middle of it.

He did a double-take.

Apparently someone had taken a old mannequin from the clothing store and set it in the driver's seat of the car. The dummy's head was knocked askew, its disembodied arm laying on the dashboard.

Cigarette butts and paper fliers littered the street. A stray dog ran down the block, lifted its leg against a red fire hydrant and look off at a run when he was done.

"Jeez," he complained to himself, climbing out of the buggy. "What a crappy area....."

It was then he saw the building. It was a small squat red brick structure on the corner across the street that had a faded sign above the door that said "Napoli Pizzeria" in red with a winking mustached guy in a chef's hat tossing a pizza. From where he was standing it seemed someone had scrawled "diarrhea" beneath "Pizzeria" in black marker which had been scrubbed at, but its ghostly image still remained.

He tossed the paper with the address, onto the driver's seat and smoothed down his hair.

Heaving a sigh, he crossed the road and walked to the pizza place.

The first thing he noticed when he walked in the door, was that it was disgustingly dirty. The second, was that it was stifling hot, and the last thing was that there were no patrons in the place. The small rickety tables covered with plastic tablecloths with red and white checks set along the mirrored far wall were empty. There was a loud thumping noise then an ominous rattle, and the soda case at the back of the store whirred to life, compressor kicking in.

Jinpei thought he actually smelled smoke.

There was a greasy looking guy sporting a stained wife beater t-shirt and a comb-over behind the counter tossing a pizza in the that air snickered softly to himself when he saw him walk in.

He shot the guy a dirty look and squared his shoulders. "I'm here for the delivery job. I was told to start today....so here I am."

"Yeah?" he asked, chewing a wad of gum and spinning the pie over his head. "Is that so?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Hey Guido!" the pizza tosser called over his shoulder towards the back of the establishment. "The new driver's here..."

There was a crash from the back of the place and some cursing.

"Hey Guido!"

"What!?"

"What what? Get your ass out here,the new driver's here..."

"Hey hey! Keep your shorts on ok? I'll be there in a damned minute....."

After a moment or two, a short skinny bald guy wearing a stained white apron and Jesus shoes appeared from the back of the pizzeria, wiping his hands on the apron. He appraised Jinpei and apparently found him lacking.

Guido looked out towards the street, spotting the buggy. "That yours?"

"Yeah....."

"Hmm....." the guy murmured to himself, rubbing his chin. "Are you SURE you're old enough to drive that thing?"

Jinpei crossed his skinny arms over his chest and stuck his chin out . "I drove it here. Didn't I?"

"Yeah? You got a license?" Guido asked, nodding towards the buggy parked outside.

"Yup," Jinpei replied, handing it over with a smirk.

Guido's beady brown eyes studied the plastic card, a frown line forming between his brows.

"See. It says so on the license right?" Jinpei huffed."I'm old enough."

"Well.......yeah....." the guy drawled, glancing from it back to Jinpei suspiciously.

"So what's the problem?"

"You look a little short to be 17 years old." The bald headed guy squinted at him drawing closer. "Are you SURE you're 17?"

Jinpei snatched the license back, shoving it into his back pocket. "Yeah, I'm just small! Haven't you ever seen a short person before? Jeez!"

Guido held up his hands, rolling his eyes. "Alright alright. Wait here."

He disappeared into the back of the pizzeria and after a minute or two of cursing in Italian, returned carrying a plastic bag. He tossed it at Jinpei and leaned against the refrigerated case by the cash register.

"Alright here's your uniform. You can get changed in the back before you head out."

Jinpei nodded and had only taken a few steps before Guido stopped him, grabbing onto his shoulder.

"There are RULES here, okay?" The guy said leaning close to him. Jinpei held his breath, Guido stank like dirty feet.

"No monkeying around. No filching food from any of the orders. No sneaking off in the middle of work hours to meet your buddies. And NO freebies for your friends. Got it?"

"Yeah," Jinpei drawled. "Got it."

Guido nodded towards Mr. Pizza Tosser. "That there's Mario, my bastard cousin on my mother's side."

"Fuck you! " Mario shouted, sprinkling cheese over a pizza behind the counter.

"You'll be getting your orders from him. He'll have them in bags or boxes on the counter when you come back from runs. Oh and while you're waiting between deliveries, you'll be expected to clean up around here. Mop the floor, do dishes. That kinda stuff."

"What? No way man! I wasn't told about that!"

"Them's the breaks kid. You want the job or not?"

Jinpei ground his teeth together. This totally sucked. He had to work with these two morons for minimum wage, and now he had to mop floors and do dishes? He did that at the Snack! Talk about forced child labor.

Things just couldn't get any worse.

He nodded. "Where do I get changed? he asked dejectedly.

"Down the hall last door on the left. Hurry it up too. We'll have a delivery ready for you in a few minutes."

He found his way down the dark hallway, sidestepping a puddle on the floor. He opened the designated door and fumbled for a light. It was a dark dingy storeroom, filled with boxes. It smelled of mildew.

 _Gross_ , he thought.

Jinpei opened the bag and pulled out his uniform. He stared.

And stared.

It was a jacket and a pair of pants. An _orange_ jacket and a _red_ pair of pants to be exact. Both with white piping. He reached further into the bag and pulled out a pair of clunky brown shoes. He was sure they would squeak when he walked.

Wait......there was something else at the bottom of the bag. He reluctantly stuck his hand deeper into it and pulled out a poufy orange and red parti-colored cap.

_Gross!_

 

 

#

Jun normally would tear out of town after a mission was announced in order to get it done. However, she took a moment to look up Geisha Sushi online, and it quickly became clear that she couldn't show up as her usual slouchy looking self. She instead went home, took time to take a shower, pull her hair into pigtails, and pack up some makeup to take with her so it wouldn't get messed up on the road.

Her favorite part of many missions was simply the trip there. Getting to ride her motorcycle -- offload or highway -- without a little brother driving her insane was heaven. Not having to deal with the older boys, their barnyard manners, and their overprotectiveness despite the fact that she was one of the most feared women on the planet was likewise. It was kind of disappointing to reach her destination. Driving all night would have been awesome.

Geisha Sushi's traditional-style storefront matched its picture perfectly, standing out from the more modern buildings with its traditional Japanese architecture. It was clear that this was no mere delivery front. This was a full-service restaurant with ample parking and only a few empty spaces.

Jun did some basic makeup, and then the building's lovely creams and browns drew her in. She made sure to remove her shoes before stepping inside the building, as Hakase had taught her so long ago. Soft murmurs of civilized conversation drifted out her way, and she found herself fervently praying that one day as the team all got older they might be able to manage something similarly soothing.

She swallowed a laugh. Yeah, right.

"How many I help you?" A woman dressed head to toe in traditional garb, from a beautiful red patterned kimono to a gold-patterned sash and white face paint, stepped to the lecturn that held the restaurant's reservation book. Her dry tone and critical eye as she looked Jun up and down suggested that she expected to send the teenage girl on her way.

Jun stood taller. "I sent in my application to become a server. I was told to come by tonight."

Of course she hadn't. She put on her most earnest, worried expression.

The woman's harsh eyes narrowed. "Really?" She pulled a book out from beneath the reservation book and flipped through it. "I don't see you."

"The person I talked to sounded so slammed!" Jun clenched her hands and kept her voice pitched slightly up to sound femmier. "Maybe they forgot to write it down?"

After another long stare, the woman sniffed. "Very well. We do need someone for deliveries. Follow me. There are tests. We take only the very best."

Jun nodded excitedly, but the moment the woman looked away, she gulped. She'd read up on geisha when she was younger, fascinated by their colorful costumes. If she had to do something like the dance test, she was screwed, since she'd only seen a few videos of what the moves were liked.

Hopefully things were going better for the boys.

 


	3. Chapter Three

Ken knew he wasn't going to a major Galactor base. He wasn't sure what exactly he'd expected, but this regular, boring house in a roomy suburb wasn't it. A little creeped out at how close such evil lurked to so many people's backyards, he carefully removed the food containers from his bike and headed toward the front door.

_Game face. Stay frosty._ He took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. While he didn't usually order for delivery -- he couldn't afford the extra fees -- he'd been at the others' places when they had and he'd answered the door. Pleased with himself, he put on the same bland expression he remembered their delivery people having.

Except that one guy. There was a guy who delivered pizza to Joe who always looked annoyed when Ken answered the door. Ken was never sure how to take that. Did he always look annoyed, or just for him?

When he heard footsteps he went for extra bland, holding up the food to make it clear why he was there. The door flung open, his expression faltering as he was faced with a tall, slender redhead in a skimpy robe and not much else.

"Ooooh," she purred, "you'll do very nicely. Get in here."

Didn't he just hand off the food at the door? Sweat trickled down the back of Ken's neck as he stepped inside the house.

"Oh no!" Her lips spread into a pouty smile. "What is this? I don't have any money. I'll have to pay you another way."

Ken nearly took a step back at the way she was staring at him, like he was meat on a stick she was about to devour. He needed this job to get the intel Hakase wanted. What was he supposed to do now?

#

"Well don't you look handsome!" Bunny gushed, hands on her cheeks, as Joe emerged from the men's room. "I think pink really is your color!"

Joe felt a growl working up from his throat, but tried to swallow it and choked.

"Ok!" Bunny clapped her hands with pearly smile. "I have your first delivery ready for you. You're to bring the box on the counter to a kids' party."

She held out a paper to him, which he took.

"Here's the name and address. Be there by 1:00. It's for a big birthday party for Tina Martins. Once you're done, come back here for your next one."

Sounded simple enough. He scratched his chest surreptitiously. Man, the uniform really itched.

He hefted the cardboard box and bag off the counter, and was ready to leave when Bunny suddenly turned to him, lips pursed in thought.

"Oh....a few other things before you leave."

He stared at her, trying not to scratch the back of his left calf with his right foot.

"If you get any speeding tickets you're paying for them. We aren't responsible for YOUR reckless driving habits. And if your car is damaged during a job--that's YOUR problem."

"Yeah. Got it." Joe grumbled as he shouldered open the door and walked cross the street to his car.

Speeding tickets? Nambu would have his ass in a sling if he got any more of those. He could still hear the last lecture he had gotten from the doctor about those:

_"Keep it ON the track Joe, NOT terrorizing civilians on the streets. Save the terrorizing for Galactor. Understand?"_

If his hands weren't full, he'd turn around and flip the store the bird. Balancing the box on his hip, he opened the trunk and threw it inside. He walked around the side of the car and slid in behind the wheel.

_Damn!_ The pants were .....tight. He squirmed uncomfortably. He'd was sure he'd be unmanned before the mission was over.

He started the car and glanced down at the address on the paper: 1010 Oaklawn Place. Party for Tina Martins.

_Tina eh?_ he thought. Maybe Tina would be a appreciative of him delivering her Sweet 16 birthday cake.

_Oh yeah. Sweet indeed_ he thought, grinning to himself. Pictures of long flowing dark hair and blue eyes filled his head. Pouty lips with shiny pink lip gloss. _Oh YEAH_.

Mood starting to lift a little, he pulled away from the curb and hit the gas. Traffic wasn't too bad and in about 10 minutes Joe pulled up to the house, shifting the car into park.

From his vantage point he could see part of the backyard from the street. He locked the car and retrieved the cake box from the trunk and started up the driveway.

When he reached the end of it, he stopped and stared.

There were multicolored balloons festooning a cement patio, with a smoking BBQ and garden chairs scattered about.... and a lot of playpens. And tricycles. Jump ropes littered the grass like dead snakes, along with headless naked baby dolls and battered toy trucks.

_What the hell?_ He thought. He checked the address again. It was the right place.

_Where were the hot chicks in halter tops? The long flowing hair?_

A middle aged woman in a yellow and white polka dotted sundress frantically ran up to him, hand on her chest. She looked frazzled. "Oh thank goodness you're here! The kids are rowdy and ....."

Just then a pack of kids wearing little blue cowboy hats and matching vests, rounded the side of the house, squealing and shouting. They ran around the woman in circles, squirting each other with water pistols.

"Jamie! Steven! Stop it this instant." Sundress Lady told them sternly, clapping her hands at them and frowning.

The two kids looked at each other, then at her. And proceeded to drench her with their water pistols.

Just as quickly as it happened, they were off again shrieking, chasing each other across the lawn as she stood there wiping her face, and trying to smooth her now wet dress.

All the shouting was giving Joe a headache. He wanted to blast the place with a Super Bird Missile. Lay waste to the whole yard.

Someone turned on the stereo and some inane tune began blaring across the patio. A small herd of kids came out of nowhere, tearing up the driveway. One of them had a white bed sheet tied around his neck and his friend was trying to pull it off him, while the rest of the group watched.

"No! " the little kid with the sheet shouted. "I want to be Gatchaman! He's the best!"

"No!"the other boy cried. "I get to be Gatchman! You were him last time! You can be the Condor!"

"I don't want to be the Condor! He's number two!"

All the other kids started laughing. "Eww! You know what number two is right?"

Joe felt his face slowly grow red. He turned to look at them, giving the tykes a patented Condor Glare.

Their faces grew white, then suddenly red and they started screaming and crying. Mother's came running across the yard to see what had happened.

Feeling slightly vindicated he turned back to the Sundress Lady.

"I thought this was a Sweet 16?"

"No, silly." she frowned at him. "Where did you get that idea from?"

"So much for Tina..." he muttered under his breath. Then he realized he was still holding the cake box. "Here, uh, this is for the party."

"Thank you." She took it from him, and passed it off to another mom who took it towards a large table covered with a pink tablecloth. "I'm hoping some cake will calm them down."

He snorted.

"Lady, I don't think you want to feed those kids ANY more sugar." he groused backing away and sidestepping a little red wagon with a teddy bear in it. "They need to be tied to chairs." he mumbled to himself as he walked back down the driveway.

He got to the street and saw a bunch of kids playing and jumping around his car and shooting cans of silly string at each other.

"Hey! Get the hell away from the car you damned little urchins!"

#

It wasn't the first time Ryu had found himself on the "bad" side of town. He'd never done it with people pointing and laughing, though. At least he didn't have to worry about anyone stealing his van. He wasn't sure it would make it back to Bo's, let alone survive an attempted getaway.

The address he was looking for turned out to be a warehouse in an poorly lit area where most of the doorways and windows were boarded up. What a surprise. The whole area looked gap-toothed since people had pulled boards out for coming and going. He'd have to be careful if he ran into trouble. Couldn't make it obvious that he was a trained fighter.

After triple-checking that he had to right location, Ryu grabbed the insulated carry bag. He had to admit that it would be nice to escape the smell of burgers and hotdogs for just a bit. Bo might be nuts but he could really cook!

Ryu let himself look apprehensive as he approached the door. As he got closer, he saw that it was only half intact. The top swung loose on its hinges while the bottom stood firm. Playing the role of the unsure delivery boy, he knocked tentatively on the top, wincing as it rattled and nearly fell.

He waited in the eerie silence until the sound of footsteps thundered his way. Ryu tensed, half expecting to find himself facing down a dozen laser rifle barrels at any moment. Instead, the door's top swung open and slammed into the opposite wall, a guy half his size glaring at him with menace worthy of the Condor.

"Where the hell have you been? We're STARVING!"

Ryu opened his mouth to speak.

"And where the hell is your sign? Bo always makes them use the sign. Or are you not from Bo's?" The guy gave him the evil eye.

"Of course I'm from Bo's!" Ryu gestured to his awful uniform. "Who else would wear this?"

After a moment of staring, the guy looked over Ryu's shoulder again, and then flashed a nasty grin. "You don't know it's gone, do you?"

"What's gone?" Ryu turned, and his stomach dropped. The damned hot dog was gone.

Laughing way too loudly, the guy took the food, retreating into the dark building. Ryu nearly followed him to demand payment, but quickly remembered that people paid this place up front by credit card. That left him free to return to the scene of the crime and see if the thieves had actually gotten anywhere with the huge prop.

Except the street was empty. Ghost empty, like not even a little breeze.

"Damnit!" Ryu resisted punching the side of the van, though no one would even notice another dent in it. He only dared to search a little up and down the road, playing the part of the nervous delivery guy as well as he could, before stomping back to his piece of crap wheels in a genuinely crappy mood.

Just as he got in, the warehouse door slammed open again. This time, the broken top part fell right off, cracking in half when it hit the ground. Ryu ignored the yelling and pulled his van's door shut. If some of the condiments were missing that wasn't his problem.

Let Bo sort it out.

#

Jinpei walked out of the supply closet and back up front to find Guido stuffing a pizza onto a red thermal envelope to keep it warm in transit.

Mario was nowhere to be found. And smoke was coming out of one of the ovens.

Guido looked up, hearing Jinpei's shoes squeak on the grubby tile floor. He didn't seem to notice the smoke from the oven. A cigarette hung from the corner of his mouth. Ashes dropped onto the counter as well as the top of the thermal envelope.

"What the hell took you so long in there?" Guido asked, flicking more ashes onto the floor.

Before he could even answer him, he thrust the pizza envelope into his startled hands.

"Here. Take this to...." Guido turned to rifle through some of the orders on the counter and produced a piece of paper with an address. ".....this address. They're a regular customer, they get the same thing every Friday. They have an account, so there's no taking money from them. And be snappy with it, we're coming upon the evening rush and you're our only driver tonight."

_Great._ Jinpei thought sourly as he trudged towards the door.

"Hey Kid!" Guido called out as he reached the threshold of the doorway. "Don't forget, you gotta report all the tips you make, and turn them over to me." The guy jerked a thumb towards himself.

"What?" Jinpei crowed, looking over his shoulder. "No one said anything about that to me...."

"Them's the breaks kid." Guido smirked at him, crushing out his cigarette onto the floor with his sandal.

Jinpei snorted to himself, as he walked out the door. _As if!_

He carefully placed the pizza on the floor of the passengers side of the car and climbed in. From the paper Guido had handed him, the address wasn't too far away. Just maybe a few blocks. If he could get back fairly quickly and get started on his next delivery, maybe the night would go faster and he would get home all the sooner. He'd even be happy just to get back to the Snack and wash dishes instead of working in that dump.

When he pulled up to the house, he had to double check the address. It was correct, but the house was dark, no lights were turned on inside. There was no car parked in the driveway either and it looked like the mail hadn't been taken in.

Eyes darting around for clues, he grabbed the envelope, walked up the stone walkway and rang the doorbell.

And waited.

No one answered.

He rang it again.

Still no answer.

_Now what do I do?_ Jinpei wondered looking about and trying to peek into one of the windows.

He tried one more time to no avail.

"Hey kid!" Someone called from next door.

"Huh?"

Jinpei looked around to see an old lady, her head stuck out her side door. Her hair was in pink curlers. "They're away for the weekend. Ain't nobody home!"

"Oh....uh...ok. Thanks....."

He started down the front walk again, only to hear mutterings about dumbass kids behind him, as she woman shut her door with a bang. He tossed the envelope back into the buggy , started it up and pulled away from the curb.

It was beginning to get dark, the streetlights just starting to come on here and there. Jinpei was stopped at a red light, when a man approached the buggy. From the state of his dress and thin form, he was obviously homeless.

"Hey kid? Got any spare grub?..." the guy asked, in a thin reedy voice, standing next to the driver's side of the buggy.

"Well no...." he began to reply, but suddenly paused. A lightbulb went off in his head. Jinpei's mouth pursed in thought. This man was homeless, obviously hungry. He had a pizza. If he gave it to the man, no one would never know. The recipient's weren't home, there was probably some kind of mistake.... and the guy looked like he needed it soooo....

"Sure. Hang on."

He reached over and quickly pulled the pizza from the thermal envelope, handing it to the man. The light turned green . "Oh gotta go! Enjoy!" he told him, as he stepped on the gas. He glanced into the rearview mirror as he drove away. The homeless man waved at him, as he finished crossing the street.

Jinpei smiled to himself and put a pedal to the metal. He was already late getting back and he didn't need to be yelled at again.

#

Jun was usually no nervous little girl, but she had to admit that this area left her a little apprehensive. There were plenty of homes, but it was still and quiet, without so much as a window light on to offer signs of life. The streetlights even seemed in on the show, dim and flickering.

Every instinct yelled for her to speed up yet she had no choice but to slow down. Reading the house numbers was a definite challenge.

It took a few minutes but she finally found the one she was looking for. There were no cars in the driveway, and no lights, but the handwriting for the address was neat and crisp, leaving her with no doubt that this was the place. Either that or the caller had given the wrong address.

Resisting the urge to bite her lip -- it would ruin the exquisite makeup job her new employer had done for her -- she parked her bike near the mailbox and gathered the food they had ordered. She'd had to wrap a longer skirt on over her kimono fabric mini dress so she wouldn't be pulled over for obscene driving, so she removed the skirt too, tucking it into her bike's saddlebag so it wouldn't be in the way.

_Now to see if this is really the right address._ Jun put on a big smile and went to the door, knocking instead of ringing the bell as she'd been instructed. She then followed the other training and took the cutest pose she could, cocking her head and holding the parcels just so.

One minute passed. Jun knocked again. Another passed, and then another. She was required to give the customer a full five minutes to answer the door for some reason, so her only option was to stand there in the semi-darkness, senses on high alert for any sign that this might be a diabolical trap meant to bore her to tears.

Her internal timer reached four minutes and thirty seconds before she heard footsteps approaching from inside. A dim light turned on in the entryway, and then another on the porch. She sighed with relief and plastered on her cutest smile again, rolling her shoulders to loosen them up and getting into her delivery pose.

The door opened. She tensed slightly, not wanting to react like a science ninja if she was about to meet a uniformed goon. Instead, she found a pleasant but bland-faced man in a sweater vest.

"Ah," he said with a smile, "a feast for the eyes and for the stomach. What could possibly make for a better night?"

Jun bowed to the precise angle she'd been taught. "Thank you so much. Geisha Sushi prizes your business above all else. Please enjoy your meal."

She held the package forward, supporting it from below with her other hand. In return, he handed her an envelope, which she had been told to expect and not open. With a final smile, he shut the door. Leaving the outside light on was a nice final touch.

Jun sighed, praying that this man had no connections with Galactor. He should be hosting a children's show, not ordering people's deaths. After his kind treatment she'd hate to have to kick his ass later.

She tucked the envelope into the hidden pocket within her dress's top, as her employer had told her to do in order to avoid theft. Time to return to Geisha Sushi and see where the night led.

 


	4. Chapter Four

 

Ken sat in the dark field, grinding his teeth. Hakase _can't_ have meant him to do _those_ kinds of things. He raised his wrist, planning what he would say before speaking. "G-1 to Nambu. G-1 to Nambu."

"Do you have a lead, G-1?"

Ken shook his head, even though Hakase couldn't see him. "Negative. This mission is highly ... irregular, though. I think G-2 is more suited for my assignment."

"Absolutely not," Nambu snapped without so much as a pause. "You were each carefully selected for your assignments. I'm surprised with you, G-1, usually you know how to follow orders and it's the others that whine."

Ken winced, his foster father's disappointment hanging heavy in his heart. That didn't mean he couldn't try one more time. "Are you sure? I mean ..."

"I'm sure! Nambu out."

Sighing, Ken started his motorcycle. He'd known he wouldn't have much time to pause on the way back, but he'd really hoped Hakase would see reason. What the heck did he do to deserve this?

#

Despite his orders, Ken had considered calling Joe to switch anyway. He somehow doubted Joe would mind this assignment. In fact, he was pretty sure that if Joe found out what he had to do, Joe would _insist_ on it. Unfortunately, ever since the Great Jam Incident during primary school, Ken had understood with perfect clarity that there was no getting away with anything. Hakase _always_ found out.

Ken pulled into the Dinner AND Dessert parking lot with a shudder. Yeah, nothing was worth opening that can of worms again. Not even his dignity.

He headed inside with a sigh, praying that he could go back to his own clothes or even an ugly food delivery uniform. This time he didn't even need to press the buzzer. The moment he reached for it, the door's lock clicked, so he opened it and headed inside.

Tiffany waited through the same doorway where he'd first met her, filling her nails as she sat behind her desk. "Well done, the client was very happy!"

Ken suppressed another shudder. "Great."

"All right, your next one is teed up already. Let's get you changed."

Praying to every single one of his ancestors, Ken followed her into the costume room. The moment he saw what she'd laid out for him, though, he considered staging a motorcycle accident and faking his own death. That would be the only way to get out of this with his dignity intact.

Unfortunately, Hakase would find him. Joe would laugh and say to suck it up and that dignity was overrated. As Ken got changed, he hoped Joe was having as shitty a night as he was. Why should he be the only miserable one?

#

By the time Joe has gotten back to the ice cream parlor, a red rash had spread its way across his chest. He was in agony and couldn't stop scratching through his clothes.

Man, the uniform was really cramping his style. On the way back to the store, he had been waiting at a red light when a cherry'd out muscle car full of cute girls pulled up next to him. He looked over at them and gave them his best winning smile, his straight white teeth flashing.

And scratched.

They just looked at him in silence then burst out laughing, pointing at the ice cream cone atop his car and sped off as soon as the light turned green. He glowered after them. Yeah, it was hard to be cool with a giant plastic ice cream cone on your roof.

The rash wasn't helping matters either.

 _Damn it_. This better be just be a _regular_ rash, not something like.....crabs. He shuddered and frantically scratched his thigh harder.

Joe made a left hand turn and pulled up in front of the parlor and locked the car. He walked in to find Bunny waiting for him, hands on her hips, impatiently tapping her foot.

"You're late." she chided him. "Your next delivery is ready." She studied the order slip. "It's for an 80th Birthday party. Martha VanHoefer."

"Oh fuck me..." he said under his breath.

Bunny's blonde eyebrows shot up in surprise.

" _What_ did you just say?"

_Shit..._

"Oh whoopee....!" he replied weakly, walking over to the counter and picking up two large boxes, stacked atop one another.

"Be careful with those!" Bunny scolded, as he lifted them. "Those were specially ordered for this event. Don't drop them!"

Joe once again carried out the boxes to the car and dumped them in the trunk. He leaned back against the car for a moment frowning at the address.

Oh ho! This address was on the ritzy side of town. This was certain to go better than the last delivery.

The house was large Tudor style home on wide street lined with trees. The gardens and lawns were opulent. Everything was finely manicured and tidy. Nothing at all like what he was used to. He would bet these people didn't drink milk straight from the carton or anything.

Lugging the order out of the trunk and up the front walk, he rang the doorbell and waited. After a moment a tall man in a suit opened the door, silently directing him down the hall towards a large room at the back of the house.

The hallway was dark and gloomy. Even the air in the place smelled like money.

A bevy of women sat quietly talking around tables set with fine china. There was tea and finger foods. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Except for who he imagined was the guest of honor.

Sitting in a large padded armchair. Hand on the nub of a cane. She had a rhinestone tiara on her silver haired head and was dressed in all red. Even her long nails were painted screaming red. Bright hectic spots of rouge colored her cheeks. Her watery blue eyes were sharp though. Sharp as a knife.

This was not just a granny.

This granny still had _all_ her marbles.

Shit, she probably had a few pairs of balls stashed in her jewelry box.

A woman in a maid's uniform came forward and took the boxes from him, quickly whisking it away to parts unknown.

He was about to head back the way he came when a strong voice called out:

"Sing for your supper boy and there'll be a nice tip in it for you."

It was the old woman. Joe turned to look at her, surprised.

"What?"

She reached out and poked at his leg with her cane.

"You heard me. Sing me 'Happy Birthday'."

"Mother!" a woman in a white dress admonished her, almost spilling her tea. "Let the poor driver leave and stop this nonsense."

"Be quiet Marilyn." she huffed at her daughter. "And let an old woman enjoy what time she might have left."

She turned her gaze back to Joe. "Well boy? Are you game or not?"

_Beer money. It's beer money. You need beer money. Just do it!_

He sucked in a deep breath and sang. Joe was told he had a good singing voice, but was thankful when it was over.

Everyone clapped politely and then went back to their conversations. The old bat sat there, appraising him, withered arms crossed over her chest.

"Not bad sonny." she admitted. "I think you could do better though."

"Mother don't be rude!"

"I'm not being rude! It's the truth." she exclaimed. "You want to know the truth boy?"

He had a feeling he better not refuse, so he nodded.

"Come here." she ordered him, beckoning him closer. Joe moved to stand next to her and leaned down.

"The truth is..." she whispered quietly in his ear. "If you give me a ...private performance later this evening, there's an even bigger tip in it for you."

Joe's eyes grew wide.

 _No_ , he didn't hear what he thought he just heard.

But she was looking at him with mischief in her eyes. Oh, she meant it alright.

"Um, I have a fiancée ma'am." he lied, hoping he sounded sincere. "I couldn't do anything like that."

She studied him for a moment, then patted his cheek lightly.

"There's a good boy. Not like my philandering son in law." she tossed over her shoulder at her daughter.

She reached into a pocket and stuffed a $20 down the front of his uniform.

"Uh...thanks."

"Be good sonny! Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

And grabbed a handful of his ass and squeezed hard as he straightened up to leave.

He jumped in surprise and he could hear her cackling as he walked out the door and into the hallway.

Joe couldn't believe it. He'd just been Granny Groped.

#

Ryu was used to being chewed out -- or, more precisely being there when Ken and/or Joe were being chewed out. That made Bo's ranting easy to tune out. He casually watched the man's face go from pink to red to purple as he bitched about two hot dogs missing from the order, and the giant hot dog missing from Ryu's beater of a van. Frankly, Ryu was a bit worried for the guy's health. His blood pressure had to be off the charts.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?"

Plastering on the most pleasant smile he could muster, Ryu said, "Yes, Sir. No, I did not eat those missing hot dogs, and that's a pretty nasty part of town. You might want to have a policy against delivering any more orders there. It's lucky my van didn't get stolen along with the sign. I'm pretty sure that would jack up your insurance rates."

Ryu supposed if he was worried about Bo's health he shouldn't have been so direct. He wasn't sure what to call the color the man turned right then. Purple wasn't quite right. The guy's fury had him darker than that, at purpley black.

"IT WOUDLN'T AFFECT MY ..." Even with Bo's anger, he stopped to pause, apparently considering the argument more carefully. "Crap, you're right."

Bo stomped down the hall and into a side room, slamming the door behind him. A quick scan of the hallway told Ryu that either there were no cameras, or there were, but they were so well hidden that even a Science Ninja couldn't spot them. He decided to go with there being none, and went to the door to listen in.

"You promised! You said you had that neighborhood covered, that it was safe!"

Ryu winced and leaned a bit back from the door. Bo had some powerful lungs even through a barrier. He continued listening, noting down every possible detail he could. If this turned out to be a Galactor lead -- which sounded more and more likely -- then all the crap he'd been through might actually be worth it.

Still, he had to admit, that was a big "if."

#

The buggy's tires screeched as he pulled up in front of the pizzeria and he fairly flew through the door in order to pick up his next delivery. As he walked in he saw Mario ladling sauce over a pie that he was making.

"Jesus Christ on a crutch kid!" he complained, wiping his nose on his t-shirt."How long does it take you to go just a few blocks?"

"There was traffic!"

"C'mere, your next order is ready." He paused and pointed at the him with the ladle. "You better straighten up, or Guido's gonna can your skinny ass."

"I should be so lucky." Jinpei murmured under his breath.

Once more Mario pointed to four envelopes and a large box that sat on the counter. The box smelled strongly of garlic to him. And he realized he hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning.

His mouth watered and his stomach began to grumble.

"Take those over to 497 Jenner Drive and step on it, willya? They're expecting you."

Jinpei had to finagle the boxes to make sure they all fit into the buggy properly. It was like putting together a puzzle. Why couldn't he have a REAL vehicle? A car like Joe? Or maybe a truck! Instead he was stuck with a stupid dune buggy. He once thought about painting flames on the side of it, but Hakase almost had a heart attack when he mentioned it and Aniki had laughed so hard tears streamed from his eyes.

Man, everyone treated him like a little kid! He was a Science Ninja!

Luckily, he found traffic had eased up a bit, and was surprised when the address was located on a college campus. All he had to do was follow the signs that lead him to his destination.

 _A sorority house? Cool!_ Jinpei thought, glancing at the red brick building with vines growing over it. It looked like a pretty classy place, with flowers and ornamental trees planted out front. Nice lighting too. It looked just like the ones from horror movies with chainsaw wielding maniacs.

He managed to carry all the stuff carefully up the walk. Everything was stacked so high, he couldn't see what was in front of him. Fumbling a bit, he managed to find and ring the door bell. It sounded with a fancy tinkling chime.

 _Hoity-toity,_ Ryu would have called it.

There was loud music blaring from the other side of the door, some kind of techno dance song that had him tapping his foot as he waited. He heard some shouting from behind the door and the sound of voices growing closer.

Finally, the door opened and someone took two of the thermo envelopes from him. When he could see, Jinpei found himself face to face with a very pretty blonde girl wearing a tube top, bright pink lipstick and little else.

His heart did a little pitter-patter in his chest as he gaped at her.

"Heather!" she called out, smiling at him. "Heather come here!"

A short perky brunette in a white cheerleaders uniform came up from behind her and peeked over her shoulder.

"Hey what's....."

The blonde giggled as she handed her the pizzas. "Isn't he adorable?"

"Christina, he's so little! And so cute!"    

Heather quickly turned and beckoned to one of the other girls inside and asked her to take the pizzas into the kitchen.

The two girls glanced at each other as the food was whisked away.

"Yeah," Christina squealed. "He's perfect!"

Jinpei's mouth must've hit the ground and Christina reached out and pinched his cheek.

"Well, aren't you the cutest little thing?" she crooned, leaning down to talk to him. "Are you working to save money for school?"

Jinpei blushed as another girl came and look the remaining pizzas and garlic knots away from him.

For once the power of speech escaped him and he stood there as odd "Uhhhhh..." and "Guhhhh" noises fell from his lips.

"Oh, I know!" Christina quipped brightly. "I'm going to take your picture! Heather, do you have your phone?"

"Of course I do!"

Jinpei stood there in shock as Christina bent down and kissed his cheek as Heather snapped a picture with her phone. He blinked as the flash went off, spots dancing before his eyes.

He vaguely heard the girls saying something to him, shoving something into his hand, then heard a thunk. When the spots cleared from his vision, he found he was staring at the closed door.

Huh?

Jinpei shook his head a moment to clear the cobwebs away, and realized he was holding an envelope with money in it. He quickly looked through it making sure it was enough to cover the bill and was about to leave when he heard a voice float from behind the door.

"Ok there, are you happy now?"

"Yeah I never thought we'd get that one off the list" a voice giggled. "Derek is gonna freak! He never thought we'd do it."

"Yeah, Derek's gonna be ticked. " Christina snorted. "Heather, lemme see the pic....."

He stopped to listen, head cocked to one side.

"Yeah, wait till they see we got the "kiss a dwarf" challenge off the list."

 _Aw man_....

He walked back to the buggy and gave the sorority house the stink eye over his shoulder.

Just as he climbed into the buggy, he realized they didn't give him a tip.

_Aw, man!_

#

By the time Jinpei made it back to the pizza parlor, it was dark. Admittedly, he took the long way back. The EXTRA long way. Not to mention he parked further down the block and was sitting in the dune buggy, just staring at the store, trying to work up the resolve to actually go in.

         The neon light from the store's sign, buzzed and flickered in the dusk. Jinpei toyed with the idea of just beating feet and walking away from the whole job, but he didn't want to give Mario and Guido the satisfaction.

HEY! He'd made it THIS far. And he'd had suckier jobs before. Like manning the Snack's kitchen all night when Jun's cook had called in sick or got stuck helping Aniki with something when Joe bailed on him or letting Ryu talk him into scraping barnacles off some boats at the pier when he was shorthanded.

Taking a deep breath he climbed out of the buggy and walked toward the pizza parlor, his little pointed chin held high, brown shoes squeaking like mad.

He pushed the door open to see Guido kneeling in front of the refrigerated case, surrounded by cardboard boxes of cola.

Guido spared him a glance as he walked through the door, then turned back to his work.

"So, you gonna spill it or not kid?" he asked, as he finished stocking the soda case.

"Huh?" Jinpei asked quizzically, frowning at them.

"Mario knows what you did. Don't deny it."

He glanced at Mario who was back behind the counter tossing a pizza into the air and giving him a nasty grin around a huge wad of Juicy Fruit.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Guido snorted, shaking his head in amazement.

"Alright, shrimp. Mario here ran out earlier to grab us some smokes. On the way back from the store....he saw you."

Saw him? So what? People saw him all the time!

"Ok, so what? He saw me. Big deal." Jinpei replied crossing his arms over his chest.

"No, kid.....he SAW you."

The tone in his voice gave him pause and he frowned. He didn't like the way Guido was looking at him.

What? What was with that look?

Wait.....oh.

A smirk creased Guido's face. "So, you know what I mean right? You were told you weren't to give freebies to your friends."

"What friend? The guy was homeless!"

"Man, I dunno where they get these kids from today." Guido sighed and slung a dirty dishtowel over his shoulder. "Kid are you stupid or what?"

"Hey! I'm NOT stupid!"

"Well, if you were smart enough you'd have realized you were set up. We knew those people weren't going to be home. They phoned us two days ago to tell us about it. It was a TEST kid, and you failed. "

Guido then tossed his dirty dishtowel at him and it whapped him in the face, before falling to the floor.

It was sour and tasted of sweaty armpits.

"Plenty of dishes for you to wash in the kitchen...."

What was that saying Joe always told him?

_No good deed goes unpunished._

#

     It was killing Jun to deliver all of these envelopes back to the restaurant without inspecting their contents, but her "employer" had been very clear. Plus, there was something about the envelopes. She had the feeling that it would be impossible to hide that they'd been opened.

So far, most of her deliveries had been pretty ordinary, outside of that weird first one. She felt sure that something strange was going on there. So sure that she'd contacted Hakase to suggest that whole neighborhood get checked out more carefully. He'd reminded her to be careful in making contact since someone may be watching her. Like she hadn't considered that. She was a professional after all.

It wasn't until her fifth delivery that she started to notice a pattern. Every single time she was headed for an individual home. None of the others was in such a creepily quiet neighborhood, but there always was a single person answering, and they always came off as really ...

Jun struggled for the right word. Uninteresting? Inoffensive? She'd never seen so many mild-mannered people, kind of generic people back-to-back in her life.

Something was definitely going on. As she headed back toward the restaurant to return yet another envelope, she resolved to make sure no one was following her, and report in en route. Her hunch might mean nothing but it could very well mean everything.

 


	5. Chapter Five

Ken did his best to exit the premises without visibly hurrying. It was even harder not to run once he got out the door, but he couldn't risk the clients realizing how badly he wanted to go take twelve showers and then bathe in mouthwash. They might give him a bad review on yelp.

He'd nearly reached his motorcycle when something familiar caught his eye, a car with a massive plastic ice cream cone mounted on the top. Ken winced, unsure whether his own situation or the cone was more dignity-destroying, and then did a double-take when he took a better look at the car.

The G-2. That was _definitely_ the G-2. Feeling queasy, Ken realized he had to get out of there, and _fast_. The last thing he needed was Joe seeing ...

 

Joe had pulled the car over to the curb because he'd been seized by a fit of itching. The prickly rash had spread, but he was thankful it hadn't spread to his face. Definitely couldn't pull chicks with a splotchy face. He was feeling a little warm though. Did he have a fever?

He was getting ready to get going once more, and a double take as he glanced in the rearview mirror. What the hell? His eyes narrowed, then grew wide.

_Wait a minute? Was that..... Ken?_

There was no mistaking that hair. And that did look like Ken's bike. But....what the fuck was he wearing? Ken would never willingly wear something like that.

He snickered to himself, and yanked the keys out of the ignition and shoved the door open

Ken tried to make like the white shadow he was. All he had to do was reach his bike and get the hell out of there. Even if Joe _thought_ it was him, if they didn't actually run into each other, Ken could deny it until the end of time. He was almost to his bike. Almost free and clear ...

As Joe drew closer, he saw Ken speed up as he practically ran to his bike.  

Baka!  Pretending like he didn't see him. Not so fast buddy-boy.

A smirk spread across his face as he called out, "Ken? Ken is that you?"

 

 _K'so._ Ken pondered leaping on his bike and leaving, but Joe was far too close to buy that. He sighed and turned to face his fate, blinking when he saw what Joe was wearing, a grin splitting his face as much as Joe's smirk did his. Mutually assured destruction. Excellent. "Nice pink. Love the cone, too."

Ken tilted his head toward the G-2.

 

Joe made a face at him. "Hardee-har- har. I could say the same thing for you," he said giving him the eyeball. "Seriously? GOLD leather chaps Ken? Where's the rodeo cowboy? You out to rope yourself a couple fillies or are you bronco busting?"

 

Heat lit up Ken's face before he could even attempt to stop it. There _had_ been a rope involved. He hoped like hell it was dark enough that Joe couldn't see. "Are those sprinkles on your uniform? You think that cone's gonna damage the G-2's roof?"

It felt so good to finally get to take all this crap out on someone. Though the spanking session ...

He shuddered at the memory. There wasn't enough beer in the world to erase that one.

 

 

"What? Sprinkles?" Joe frowned. "Where?"

He inspected the front of his uniform, running up his hands up and down himself. Then had to stop and scratch his chest.  Not to mention the back of his neck. And beneath his arm.

 

Ken's eyes narrowed as he watched the scratching. He took several steps back, itching himself at the thought of another lice infestation. "And what is _that_ about?"

 

Joe made a frustrated sound somewhere between a growl and a groan.

"It's the uniform! I'm allergic to polyester!" he said heatedly. "I have a rash Ken! A RASH."

He paused to scratch his chest again, grimacing. "And I think it's still spreading dammit!"

Joe looked up at Ken who seemed to be staring at him rather warily, as if he didn't quite believe him. What the fuck?! Why would he lie about something like this?!

"Look, I'll show you!" he offered, gritting his teeth and reached for his fly.

 

Ken threw his hands up in self-defense, blocking his chances of seeing. "No! No one needs to see that except the team doctor! I've seen and suffered too much tonight already!"

For the first time that night he was actually looking forward to heading back to the office and the crazy lady who treated him like a dress up doll. He reached for his motorcycle.

 

"Hey!" Joe shouted, annoyed. "Where the hell are you going? We're not done he....."

Then he suddenly burst out sputtering and laughing, just as Ken was lifting his leg to straddle his bike.

"Ken? ..." he snickered."Why do you have a handprint on your ass?"

 

"What???" Ken froze, trying to decide if Joe was just messing with him, but that laughter was far too genuine. He turned and twisted like a dog after its own tail as he tried to see what Joe was seeing.

 

This was just too rich, Joe thought. "Your left ass cheek."

The mighty Gatchaman with a handprint on his ass.. What he wouldn't have given to see that happen in Birdstyle!  

"So Ken," Joe chuckled. "Did one of those cowgirls get too "handsy" with you? What the hell kind of gig did they stick you with? "

 

Ken finally managed to see it in his motorcycle's mirror. There it was, large as life. He had a sudden flash of unwanted memory, the client giggling and going, "Time to brand you, cowboy!"

Crap. He flipped Joe off. "Hell is the right word."

 

"Aw come on Ken!" Joe smirked, crossing his arms across his chest. "It can't be that bad. It...."

He suddenly stopped and stared at Ken as the dying sunlight struck him. "It...can't .." he stammered, voice trailing off.  Blue-grey eyes narrowed as he studied his friend.

His mouth worked for a moment, but nothing came out. Joe cleared his throat.

"Ken? Are those... sparkles.... in your hair? Why are there sparkles in your hair? And uh .. are you wearing body glitter!?"

 

Ken flared about twelve shades of red. There was no point in denying it, so he rolled his shoulders back and tried not to look like he wanted to slink away and hide. "Of course it is. They said it completes the outfit."

 

Joe snorted.  "No way, man. You gotta draw the line somewhere. "

He pointed a finger at Ken.

"Stay here. I think I have some shop rags in the G2 you can wipe some of that shit off with."

 

At the time, Ken had been close to drawing the line with his boomerang, only it was in his pants which were in the bike. Knowing that even Joe wouldn't have gone this far didn't make him feel any better. When Joe turned around, Ken blinked. Then he looked again, blinked again, and started laughing.

 

Joe turned at the sound of Ken's laughter.  Had he finally lost it?

"What's with you?" he asked glancing over his shoulder. "Did you inhale too much of that magic pixie dust or something?"

 

"You have ... you have ..." Ken started laughing again. After such a shitty time so far it was something he desperately needed, which made it really hard to stop. When Joe just stared at him like he needed a straightjacket and a padded room, Ken reached and put his hand right where he'd seen the mark. "Right here!"

He laughed more.

 

"No I don....." Joe sputtered, then stopped as the realization washed over him. A dark scowl worked its way across his features.

 

"Is that your hand on my ass?" Joe growled. " _Hands off_ my ass Washio!"

 

Breathing was becoming a problem. Ken gestured toward his bike, laughing so hard it hurt. "But you're so pretty ... in pink. Check ... the mirror."

 

Joe swiped Ken's hand away from his posterior.

There was no way he had a handprint on his ass. He shoved a still giggling Gatchaman out of his way, and stalked over to the bike.

"I don't have a hand print on my ass.." Joe told him hotly, as he reached out and adjusted the mirror so he could see better. He glanced at Ken again. He was going to pay for that pink remark.

"See? NO handprin...." The words died in Joe's throat.  "I have a handprint on my ass. A handprint! What the fuck!"

 

Ken fell to the ground, not caring that he might stain the gold leather, or that he was laughing like an idiot at the side of the street. There was nothing in the world better than having mutual dirt on each other. No one else would _ever_ hear about this encounter. They certainly wouldn't from him!

 

Joe's face flushed. Just what he needed on top of the freaking itchy pink uniform.

He'd never live this one down. It was all because of those old people at the retirement home!

"What's so funny?" he groused, sitting down on Ken's bike and watching him collapse in the street with laughter.

"You've got it easy Ken! You get dressed up like a....a... KEN doll and head off on your bike. I had to deliver to a retirement home, it was Visiting Day for families and they ordered a fuck ton of stuff from us. I had to make three trips." He held up three fingers to accentuate this fact. "There were kids with snotty noses, screaming and running around the place.  Some old woman smacked by ass when I wasn't moving away from the chocolate eclairs fast enough for her. I'm telling you Ken I was almost crushed in the stampede to the table! Galactor goons have nothing on those people when it comes to chocolate eclairs."

He was starting to itch again, and began scratching at his arms and neck.

"Oh my God Ken! I can't do this anymore." he complained as he scratched." I think I have a fever..."

 

Hearing Joe starting to come unhinged, Ken tried to pull himself together. He hopped up to his feet and brushed himself off as best he could, trying to ignore the fact that doing so made his hands all sparkly, reminding him of the crappitude of his own night.

"I don't get to just deliver and leave. I have to stay a while. I was just on my way out to head back for my next assignment when you came up."

Despite his better mood, Ken still shuddered at the memories. "Maybe you should grab some antihistamines on your way. That might help with the itching."

 

"I'll switch assignments with you!" Joe offered, though he wasn't sure anyone would want to see him scratching himself, while wearing an outfit like Ken's. That would kinda put a damper on the mood of things. "You can deal with old ladies playing grab-ass with you..."

He eyeballed Ken, covered in glitter. On second thought maybe switching assignments wasn't such a hot idea after all.

"Crap Ken!" he complained. "I really do think I have a fever. I'm not joking..."

He reached for Ken's hand. "Here....feel my forehead..."

 

 

Ken wished like hell he didn't have to say no on switching jobs, but got hijacked by how hot Joe's forehead was. "You might, _or_ you've been thinking too much and your brain's overheating, laser brain."

Now he wished he could send Joe home. "Definitely grab those antihistamines and maybe some aspirin. You've just gotta get through the night."

Only once he'd pulled his hand back did he realize he should worry about other things, like having the overwhelming urge to dip his hand in bleach. "You didn't get into some kind of fight and roll around in the woods, did you? No poison oak or ivy?"

More than one of them had encountered that stuff while on missions in civilian clothes. What a nightmare.

 

 

"Very funny..." Joe growled and shoved Ken's hand away with a glare. He was serious and Ken was cracking jokes!

"The only kind of rolling around I've been doing has been in that monstrosity," his voice cracked. "that was once my car..."

He pointed to the G2 with a long index finger.

"I swear I'm going to rip that thing off and burn it in the middle of Nambu's office when we're done...."

 

"I might be willing to help you with that," Ken muttered. There were a few costumes he wouldn't mind burning too. "We better get going, though," he said with great reluctance. Despite the embarrassment of being seen, talking to Joe was better than dealing with any of these clients or Tiffany. "We can't pick up any intel if we get fired."

 

"Not sure what you've seen but I swear I think Nambu is smoking crack or something, Ken. I haven't seen anything that even remotely smells of Galactor......" Joe snorted as he thrust his hands in his pockets.  "I could only be so lucky to get fired from this gig." He pulled his keys out, spinning them around a finger, then closed his hand about them.

He cocked an eyebrow at Ken, giving his get-up the once over. "Well....good luck. I think you're going to need it....."

 

Ken made a pointed glance at Joe's hand-marked ass. "You too."

He strode to his motorcycle with great reluctance. Back to the insanity. He'd seen many, many things that night that he couldn't unsee, but he hadn't seen anything that smacked of Galactor. If this was a wild goose chase then he was letting Jinpei "find" the keys to the private areas of the house that Hakase was always trying to keep the others from intruding on. The best revenge in the world would be Jinpei snickering every single time he saw Hakase and thought of the novelty underwear Joe had given him as a gag gift, along with the purposeful and accidental slips Jinpei would make during conversation. All of them knew just how well Jinpei could mess up really important moments.

Yes, that would make great revenge.

#

Since Ryu hadn't been given a delivery, he lurked. He remained outside Bo's office throughout the entire argument, trying to catch the sound of another voice, but there was none. Bo had to be on the phone. Hopefully he could get a chance to pop a bug in there. Jun wasn't the only one who knew how to mess with electronics.

When Bo slammed the phone down, Ryu found a place to stand further down the wall, making sure to look as awkward as possible while he waited. After all, normal people didn't generally get excited to overhear an argument. As he waited for Bo to return, it occurred to Ryu that the place was awfully quiet. Shouldn't there be a staff of workers somewhere making food, cleaning up, and doing all the other stuff necessary to run this joint?

The office door finally slammed open. Bo fixed him with a glare worthy of the Condor and said, "What the hell are you still doing here? Why aren't you delivering?"

Ryu blinked. "Uh, you didn't give me ..."

"Oh, for fuck's sake. Do I have to do everything around here?"

Ryu was beginning to understand why Bo was so happy the new hire arrived. Everyone else had to have quit.

 

#

Jun looked at the address for her next delivery with surprise. Her destination wasn't just in the neighborhood of the first one, it was the exact same house! It was hard to hide her grin as she collected the order and headed out. Here was her chance to plant a bug. She'd brought some with her out of habit, ones that would be easy to flick onto the clothing of whoever answered the door.

Returning there felt eerily familiar. Everything was still dark. There were still no cars to be seen. Just like she had earlier in the night, she slid off of her bike and tied on the wrap-around skirt. Then she walked toward the house with the smooth, flowing glide that she'd been taught. This time she did her best to look a little more confident since the last visit had gone all right.

Yet again, she rang the doorbell. Yet again, she waited, and waited. Finally, the porch light came on, and the same sweater vested man came to the door.

"How lovely to see you again, my dear."

Jun bowed precisely. "Thank you so much. Geisha Sushi prizes your business above all else. Please enjoy your meal."

He chuckled as though she'd just told a joke that was acceptable in polite company. "Of course. Thank you."

He gave her the usual envelope and turned to leave. She carefully flicked the bug onto the back of his pants leg before the door could shut. He was less likely to be taking those off every time he went inside than he was that awful, olive green sweater vest. Then with great satisfaction she returned to her bike.

"Gotcha," she muttered with a grin as she roared the engine to life. If this wasn't a Galactor installation, she would be very curious what else was going on here. It couldn't be a regular neighborhood.

Which meant this whole night wasn't a waste.

#

Ken pulled up to the shop feeling queasy. To continue with his run of luck, his motorcycle had petered out halfway back due to an empty gas tank. With no gas stations in sight and already running late, he'd had to siphon some gas from some unsuspecting civilians. Siphoning without swallowing any was tricky, and his bad luck for the night had struck again.

This time he didn't even need to pause at the door, or press the buzzer. It unlocked the moment he arrived. After taking a deep breath -- and regretting it when his stomach gurgled -- he stepped inside.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Tiffany was in his face the moment the main door closed. "I've been worried sick!"

Ken blinked. "You have?"

"Yes!" Tiffany popped him upside the head. "Why do the pretty ones always have fluff for brains? This is a dangerous occupation. When you run late I will always worry."

Ken's mouth flapped open but nothing came out. Did she just call him pretty?

"Now let me take a look at you." She took his shoulders and spun him around in stages. "What did you do to your clothes?! The client didn't say that you'd be rolling around in the grass. And what's with the handprint?"

Oh crap. "I, uh ..."

"You better hope the cleaners can get this out. I'll have to dock your pay for the cost of that. If they can't get it out, you'll have to pay for the whole outfit." She sighed, puffing air up to make her bangs flip around. "You're running late so we have to hurry. Let's get you changed. And do I smell gasoline? Someone didn't threaten to set you on fire, did they?"

Ken bit back his own sigh. Maybe he should have traded jobs with Joe after all, Hakase's wrath be damned.

 

 


	6. Chapter Six

Ken entered Crescent Coral Base with a profound sense of relief, and an equal one of dread. He thanked the gods, the ancestors, the universe, and anything else that might listen that the night was over. Yet, while he'd met a lot of shady people that night, none had given him that Galactor vibe. If all of this had been a waste he might get home and have a good, long cry.

No, he'd have a shower first. Several of them. Maybe with bleach.

He'd gone to his place first, but only long enough to ditch the bike and fetch his plane, of course making sure he wasn't followed. When he'd returned to the base and docked the G-1 within the God Phoenix, he'd noticed that none of the other vehicles showed as loaded. That meant that Joe, Jun, and Jinpei hadn't arrived yet. Ryu could already be back, but Ken had no way to be sure.

He kind of hoped he was the first one back. It would probably take several showers to rid himself of the oils, glitters, and splashes of gasoline he'd endured throughout the night. Yet he kind of hoped he wasn't the first back, especially if Hakase was already there and eager for reports. It was easier to dodge questions about mission details with the others adding their particular flavors of chaos to the meetings.

When he entered the team's private section of the base, all was quiet. He considered walking down to Hakase's office to check in out of sheer habit, but that risked the very encounter he was trying to avoid, and security would have already let their mentor know he'd arrived.

Instead, he went to the kitchen. Maybe he could find something to finally get the taste of gasoline out of his mouth. That and a shower just might make the post-mission briefing tolerable, as long as Joe managed to keep his damn mouth shut.

#

Joe managed to make it back to his quarters on the CCB without seeing the rest of the team. He thought he heard one of the guards saying that Ken arrived awhile ago.

When he dropped his car off with the base vehicle technicians he made damn well sure to tell them they were to _immediately_ start working on getting that eyesore off his car. He didn't care _what_ they had to do, but he didn't want to see any evidence that it had been there. Once it was removed, he could begin to forget the whole farce of a mission.

And he was STILL contemplating burning the damned cone somewhere in Hakase's sight.

Yeah, Hakase was definitely losing it if he thought an ice cream parlor confectionary store was a Galactor front. What the hell had he been thinking? The man had obviously been cooped up far too long underwater with all the other stuffed-shirt scientists. Talk about 'out of touch'. For as much as they wanted to save the world, they sure as hell didn't live in it.

With a flick of the wrist he tossed his keys onto the bed and toed off his shoes.

Not for the first time he thanked the Gods they had all had small private bathrooms in their quarters instead of communal showers. There was no way in hell he had enough patience that evening to deal with Jinpei's never ending questions about what happened to him, and Jun's smug, satisfied look as he suffered. Though that would probably come during the mission debrief later on.

At least here he could scratch and whimper in private. On the way back to the base he took Ken's advice and stopped off at one of the local chain drugstores. The brightly lit red and white sign with a mortar and pestle emblazoned upon it beckoned him from the highway. A few minutes after pulling into the parking lot, antihistamine tablets and a tube of cortisone cream in hand,he headed to the checkout line. Then, as an afterthought, he turned back and grabbed another two tubes of cream, just in case. He snagged a bottle of water on his way back to the cashier and shuddered when he saw the small frozen case packed with ice cream bars and gelato. He had only been off the line for less than five minutes and there was suddenly a huge queue of people and one cashier . It was another 15 minutes before he even made it to the counter...and before realizing that, shit, he was going to be late.

Again.

He figured he was lucky that Nambu hadn't been waiting on the dock for him, glancing at his watch and glaring at him, like the last time he was late.

Joe stripped out of his civvies, leaving them in a haphazard pile on the floor and walked buck naked over to the not quite full length mirror on the back of the closet door. His chest and thighs were splotchy and bright red. He frowned, staring at where he had broken skin from scratching, touching the marks lightly. He only presumed the fact that he wore underwear prevented any ....delicate parts from being affected.

Idly scratching, he made his way to the shower and turned the water on so that steam filled the room.

 

#

Ryu wasn't surprised when the van died halfway home. Calling the squirt to come pick him up was always humiliating, especially since Jinpei insisted on driving. He'd gotten the strangest looks over the years, riding around in the buggy with a kid behind the wheel. _Especially_ from girls. No wonder he never scored.

At least he'd been able to change back to his usual clothes. He'd never been so happy to see that stupid numbered shirt and those boring beige pants.

Somehow he wasn't so happy to see the bulbous headlights of Jinpei's buggy, though. He sighed, waiting for the ribbing that was sure to follow.

 

Jinpei rounded the corner in his buggy, almost sideswiping a sedan and saw Ryu standing sadly by the side of the road, hands stuffed in his pockets. A white rickety looking van was parked on the shoulder behind him, its hood propped up. A small puddle of something dark had formed beneath the vehicle. And it looked to be growing larger.

He snorted softly to himself. Where had he gotten such a crappy van from?

 

Ryu gave a half-hearted wave, wondering if he should have just walked.

 

Jinpei pulled the buggy over to the curb, letting it idle.

"Man, what happened to you?" he asked, taking in Ryu's sorry state. "And where'd you get the van from?"

 

"I don't want to talk about it," said grumbled Ryu, sliding into the buggy. "It's been a long night."

 

"Jeez. ok. " Jinpei exclaimed. "What's with you?"

There was NO way Ryu's night could have been as bad as his. After he'd been balled out by Guido and Mario, he was made to wash a mountain of dishes that had been sitting in the sink most of the day. He'd never seen so much crud that had built up on pots before, that hadn't been used by Jun.  One of them was blackened beyond repair. It amazed him that someone could be as bad a cook, or worse than his sister.

He gave the buggy some gas, and flipped on the radio.

"Uh....do we need to call someone to come and pick that thing up?" he asked Ryu, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the van as they pulled away.

 

"Nah. I left the keys on the seat. Let someone be sorry they stole it." Ryu sighed and wondered what the giant hot dog's thieves were going to do with the thing. If there was any justice in the universe they'd vandalize the thing horribly and then leave it on Bo's doorstep.

He'd called in his observations and set Hakase up to have the bug monitored. There had better be an intel payoff or he was staying on the ship for every single mission in the future. "You learn anything for Hakase?"

 

"That's the funny thing," Jinpei said thoughtfully. "I didn't see anything that was Galactor-like. I mean they were big jerks and everything, but nothing weird."

The buggy hit a bump on the entrance ramp as Jinpei merged onto the freeway, causing them to bounce up in their seats.

"Oh, but I did learn something. I never want to see pizza again....." he paused a moment, sniffing the air around him. "Say, Ryu? Do you smell burgers?"

 

Ryu gripped the door handle for dear life. He resisted the urge to sniff himself and muttered, "We must have passed a burger joint."

The thought that maybe Jinpei's night wasn't a bed of roses did improve his mood, though. Between the two of them, they always seemed to be the punchline in some universal joke, with Ken, Joe, and Jun being the dashing heroes and heroine. He didn't exactly wish terrible things on his little brother -- most of the time, anyway -- but sometimes it was nice to not be miserable alone.

 

Jinpei accelerated and changed lanes, the night breeze ruffling his already messy hair.

"D'ya think that Aniki and the others found anything?"

 

Ryu snorted. "I'd be willing to be that Ken and Joe personally found and stopped, like a sex trafficking ring. And Jun probably found enough intel to keep the ISO analysts busy for months."

 

"Yeah. It's not fair!" Jinpei huffed. "They get to do all the cool stuff and hog all the glory."

 

"I'm tired of being the jolly fat joke! They should be the joke for once!" Ryu sighed. Like that would ever happen.

 

"The last time I tried to play a joke on Aniki he made me help him with his deliveries.  It took a really long time to finish! Jeez, doesn't he EVER do them?" Jinpei exclaimed with a sour face. "And I really don't want to think about what Joe-aniki would make me do!"

 

"One day the joke's gonna be on them," grumbled Ryu. "Then we can totally laugh our asses off."

 

"You said it Ryu!" Jinpei agreed and floored the gas.

 

Ryu held on, life flashing before his eyes. Maybe when they got back to base he should hint to that crazy chick in engineering that Joe was single and looking. Or Ken was. Or both of them. Knowing how things went, though, they'd come out smelling like roses and it would all fly back into his own face. He'd also probably have to offer their Tightwad In Chief a private thank you for the cash.

The only reason he didn't let out a groan is that Jinpei would have questions. It could be worse, he told himself. He could have lost part of his uniform.

That thought sent him on a frantic double-check to make sure he had everything.

 

"Only a couple more exits, then we should be at the docking station in a few minutes." Jinpei informed him, zipping in and out of traffic.

He fiddled with the radio again, found a current pop song then glanced at Ryu.  "Say....didja meet any girls?"

 

The question made Ryu blink. "Girls?"

Come to think of it, he hadn't. Not a single one.

 

"Yeah, GIRLS, Ryu. Remember them?"

 

Ryu rolled his eyes. Curse his usual luck. He'd be willing to get that Ken and Joe got fawned over by them. "Of course I do. But it's weird, I didn't see any girls. At all."

 

Jinpei cleared his throat. "Me either Ryu, so don't feel bad..."

There was no way he was going to tell Ryu about the sorority girls and how mean they were to him. He'd blab it to Aniki and Joe-aniki, not to mention his sister would get wind of it.....and he would NEVER hear the end of it. He was tired of always getting picked on.

He flipped the turn signal to move over into another lane, since their exit was coming up. At least they were almost there!

 

The others thought that the things that came out of Jinpei's mouth were random. Ryu knew better. He grinned, spirits lifting. "Girl trouble?"

 

"No!"  Jinpei blurted out rather quickly, then changed the subject. "Look, here's our exit!"  

He jammed his foot on the gas pedal, almost colliding with a large truck that leaned on the horn and shouted obscenities out the window at them.

 

Any comment Ryu might have made was forgotten as he desperately held on, praying yet again that they made it to Crescent Coral Base in one piece. Why, why was he always the one needing to be picked up??? Why couldn't the God Phoenix have an alternate form as like an RV or something? No, that would be too easy. Way too easy!

His life was doomed to suck.

#

Jun steeled herself to look bored as the sub prepared to dock at base. She'd pulled off of the highway halfway back to inspect the envelope she'd been given at the end of her shift, making sure there was no bug or tracker inside. To her surprise, not only had the envelope been clean of electronics, it also included quite a hefty payday with her hourly wage plus an impressive stack of tips.

Now she just had to make sure no one else realized. If Hakase discovered she'd made that much money he'd find some way to confiscate it as property of the ISO. Ken would slack even more on his tab, Joe would want to run one, Jinpei would want to spend it all on video games, and Ryu ... well, Ryu was a sweetheart and she knew he was saving for his own wheels. Maybe when he got close she'd pitch in a bit.

The moment the sub docked, Jun notified Hakase that she'd arrived, then headed to her base quarters. Best to hide away the bulk of her earnings in case she was asked to produce the envelope during debriefing. She could hear the shower running next door, so Joe was back. Come to think of it, Hakase hadn't said they were debriefing right away, so she might as well shower as well. Her assignment had been pleasant but she still kind of smelled like fish.

Back to living among savages. She sighed as she began to undress. At least they were _her_ savages, right?

And no more creepy, unlit neighborhoods.

#

Nambu had to wait until he confirmed that every single member of the team had left the base, heading home. Throughout the debriefing, it had taken every single fiber of his self-control not to grin, snicker, or full out laugh. Whenever Ken had moved, a hint of glitter had flashed in his hair or on his skin. Joe had been completely unable to sit still, scratching whenever he thought no one was looking, which was killing Nambu with curiosity since he couldn't figure out what in the devil the boy had gotten into aside from ice cream. Jinpei had wildly embellished his report -- Nambu was certain -- making wild arm movements as he claimed that sorority girls might be aligned with Galactor. Ryu seemed the most sullen, which seemed odd given that he should finally have a private vehicle of his own. Only Jun seemed to be able to achieve the calm, almost bored detachment that they usually displayed when they wanted little more than to escape debriefing and move on with their lives.

Now that he'd escaped the debriefing without giving away his amusement, it was time for the payoff. Literally. He pulled out the cell phone he kept in a hidden drawer in his desk, and dialed. One ring. Two ...

"So, my friend," said the Director as he answered, "how badly did they rebel?"

"You owe me ten dollars," Nambu responded.

Anderson guffawed. "You aren't serious?"

"As a heart attack."

"They did _everything_? _All_ of them?"

"Yes, they did." Nambu was shocked, himself, so he didn't begrudge his boss's disbelief.

"Even the pink?"

"Yes."

"Even the ... _service_?"

"I confess that he did try to call out of the assignment," Nambu chuckled. "I gave him a stern talking to. That was sufficient."

Anderson huffed. "We need to have their psychological profiles re-done."

"I warned you about relying on the soft sciences for this." Nambu chuckled again. "I know these kids."

"Oh well. Did we at least get some useful intel out of this amusement?"

"We'll see. Some of it looks promising."

"Excellent." Anderson paused. "This conversation never happened."

The Director hung up, so Nambu did as well. _Of course this conversation never happened. If the kids find out I did this on purpose I'll suffer until the end of time!_

He allowed himself a childish snicker, and then turned to the mound of paperwork on his desk. It was good to occasionally shake them out of their comfort zones. And it was good for him to blow off some steam, even if it was at their expense. That was his story, anyway, and he was sticking to it.

 

 


End file.
